A few to chew on

Watson stops by to wish Holmes a Merry Christmas and finds him hanging his tree with ornaments that look like model atoms, lettered in glitter H, C, Fe, O, N, &c.

 "Good Heavens!" he exclaims, "What is that?"

 "Why, Watson," Holmes replies calmly, "it's an element tree."

 ***
Two atoms rushing down a busy street bump into each other and one goes
 sprawling. The other helps him up and asks, "Are you all right?"

"No," comes the reply, "I've lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes -- I'm positive!"


****
Non-alcoholic beer is just a hypothesis -- it has no proof.

Holiday Eating Tips - For The Sane

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner

Holiday HO

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Q: Why did Santa have to have his balls removed?
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.

Darwin Awards

NEWS RELEASE // 13 December 2009

DARWIN AWARDS commemorate those individuals who give their all to improve the gene pool--by removing themselves from it!  This award is generally bestowed posthumously.

TENNESSEE PEE: Darwin Award -- UNCONFIRMED / Seeking Confirmation.
(mid-1980s, Tennessee) A mile down the road from Middle Tennessee State University, a couple of young, very drunk MTSU frat boys climbed a barbed wire fence that was intended to keep lesser mortals out of an electric substation. One frat boy climbed to the top of a transformer. That alone was an obviously bad idea, but it got worse when he urinated on the transformer on which he stood. As if electrocution via genitalia wasn't bad enough, consider his motivation to pee: a wasp nest "target" attached to the transformer. Needless to say, the wasps were the lesser of his worries. He did not live long.

Reference: Personal Account -- CAN YOU CONFIRM THIS STORY???

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WETTING THE BED -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed by Darwin

(27 October 2009, Arkansas) Thirty-year-old Devan LeAnn of Shongaloo, Louisiana, was visiting Lake Ehrling with a male friend. Recent bouts of heavy rain had resulted in a flood of runoff water, and they decided "it would be fun" to take a mattress careening down the surging water in the spillway.

Unfortunately Leann was riding a foam egg-crate style mattress pad, rather than a buoyant air mattress. Imagine a wet foam pad. Are you sinking yet? According to her friend, Devan LeAnn simply vanished from sight at dusk. The next morning her body was found in a tangle of trees 70 yards below the spillway.

Parents, warn your children! Wetting the bed can be deadly.

Reference: Arkanas Democrat-Gazette, Texarkana Gazette

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PAINKILLER -- Darwin Award -- Confirmed by Darwin

(17 October 2009, Minnesota) On October 26, charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, 32, who six weeks earlier had pleaded guilty to knowingly violating registration required of a predatory offender. Charges were dismissed... because Lucas was dead.

In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock, an injured "hit and run victim" was reported. The pedestrian found on the side of the road died in the ambulance.

In a related story, police reported that a 32-year-old man had concocted a scheme to stage an accident in order to obtain prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle, become injured, go to the hospital and receive narcotic painkillers. That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning, died at the scene due to head injuries.

In other words: Lucas, 32, avoided a serious parole violation because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription painkillers.

Ouch!

Reference: Mille Lacs Messenger, Mille Lacs County Times

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...AND WHY DID THEY LET HIM OUT? -- Confirmed by Darwin

Honorable Mention / Near Miss
(17 July 2009, Germany) After a night spent carousing with friends, squeezing into the locker had seemed like an amusing idea to the man. He shut himself in a train station suitcase locker for fun, but the laughter faded as the oxygen supply ran short. His companions were unable to open the locked door and free the 20-year-old. With time running out, Ludwigshafen police broke open the door and dragged the groggy prankster to safety. 

Reports do not speculate on just WHY they let him out.

Scottish Advent Calendar

Please note these number relate to the hours of the day.

A Very Special Dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under a car's hood.
For a male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

One-liners (to last you the weekend)

Q: What do a man and a rollercoaster have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a two-minute ride

Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.

Why are women's wedding dress' colored white?
It already matches the kitchen appliances.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

How are men and parking spots the same?
All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped!

When is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!

What did one undertaker say to the other?
Pass me another cold one!